....OH my!...geofkaye

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's
supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for
President of the United States

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6
managers.

It's getting ugly...........

KIDS WRITING ABOUT THE SEA

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you re incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our RV?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great RV.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: OH…. S__T!!!!

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

I was washing my new white shirts, and am having trouble removing the underarm sweat stains. So I did a search on Yahoo for answers. Here are the results:

Underarm Sweat Stains - NexTag.com
Compare Cheap Prices for Underarm Sweat Stains at NexTag.com. Shop for Bargain Sporting Goods, Toys, Collectibles, Car Parts, Food, and the Good Things in Life.www.nextag.com/underarm-sweat-stains/search-html

Underarm Sweat Stains - Become.com
Compare prices for Underarm Sweat Stains. Become.com searches billions of web pages to find the most relevant information on underarm sweat stains, and allows you to...www.become.com/shop?q=underarm+sweat+stains

Now that I know I can just buy the stains, why should I work so hard? I wonder if they need a supplier for this product?

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'


'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ' D on't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.




'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'


I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*%*ing good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'

How many zeros in a billion?





This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the

word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about

whether you want the 'politicians' spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of it's releases.

A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were

living in the Stone Age.

D.



A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our government

is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain...

let's take a look at New Orleans ..

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.



Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu (D)

is presently asking Congress for

250 BILLION DOLLARS

to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...

what does it mean?

A.

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in

New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or... if you are a family of four...

your family gets $2,066,012.





Washington ..< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Disposal Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Tax

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge taxes

Social Security Tax

Road Usage Tax (Truckers)

Sales Taxes

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone Federal Excise Tax

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surc harge Tax

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax

Telephone State an d Local Tax

Telephone Usage Charge Tax

Utility Tax

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...

We had the largest middle class in the world...

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to

press '1' for English.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out on that first loop you did, but you know, fifty dollars IS fifty dollars!'

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the trailer and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a b@#$%^.

Mark,

Like it or not, you asked for it. I bet Diane was smiling all the time.

The date: March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the horde of over 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, 'Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?'

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going. '

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like? '

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like? '

The old timer says, 'Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours.'

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly,
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to
the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just
take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's
make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence .. and then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

'Okay... now what

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

* Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch and you'll have to pee.

* Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

* Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

* Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.

* Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

* Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time.

* Law of the Bath/Toilet
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings; when
the butt is on the toilet, the doorbell will ring.

* Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

* Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

* The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

* Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

* Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

* Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

* Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by
the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment
and you'll stay sick.