Got this by email, figured the weather has most of us locked down. Hope you get a smile from it.


The Lawn Mower and the toothbrush



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.


"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person appears to be always right, and the other is a husband.

I know how that works. I want to paint the bedroom light brown, she wants sage green. So we compromised and are painting it sage green.

Thanks so much for the laugh!!

I truly enjoyed that one.




Kind of reminds me of a similar one...


Ed comes home from work on his anniversary and is quickly reminded by his dear wife that he has forgotten.

It is not good, there is tension in the household.

At bedtime, the wife told her husband that if he expected there to be a wife to come home to, there had better be something in the driveway the next day that goes from zero to 100 in under 6 seconds.

Upon awakening the next morning, his dear wife pulls back the bedroom curtains to discover a small, nicely wrapped box sitting right in the middle of the driveway.

Getting dressed and quickly heading out to the driveway, she descovers a new bathroom scale.

Funeral services will be held for Ed on Thursday at 9:00 am...




Brian

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch.

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
.
The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker into."

In keeping with the above.....


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft
music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"


Dave

Good chuckles here --- thank's to all....

I've told this one before to all those I meet that are going to do a bus conversion:

The male of the house will use RED 3/4" wide tape to lay out the floor of the bus showing walls, cabinets, etc.

The female of the house will use BLUE tape to lay out the floor showing how she wants the walls, cabinets, etc.

Remove RED tape and start building.

(Married for almost 52 yrs, I know how things work!!)

don

Arizona Drinking Rule

-----------------------------------
Mark says: Sorry, RW, but that one failed the sniff test.

<Funny joke deleted>

Remember that we're in public here, so a certain amount of PC-ness is probably called for....
-----------------------------------

God Bless America !

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mark Nemeth,

ahhh,.... oh dear. Right about now, I can see Mark Nemeth flipping back out of his chair. I think our thread is about to be sent to the wonderful world of deleted files RW

Remember, we have to hug those we feel are threatening our nation, we wouldn't want anyone to feel unwelcome. How about picking another reference title for the drinkin' partners?

Ok, I have to join in with a riddle...

-------------------------------------
Dave's right, firefox.. you're not helping... LOL!
<Nuther joke deleted...>
-------------------------------------

**disclaimer: the above joke is not meant to offend anyone

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mark Nemeth,

quote:

Originally posted by FireFox:**disclaimer: the above joke is not meant to offend anyon

Right

I don't think you're helping things. Cute joke, by itself, but considering the opening act?... Oh boy.

There was a German, an Irishman, and a Frenchman......
Oh Oh.... Never mind.

Ok Ok
There was this Blonde, a Redhead, and a girl with no hair.....
Hmmmmmmm .... better not...

Oh heck.... nothing funny here...



Dave

quote:

Originally posted by Dave K.:
ahhh,.... oh dear. Right about now, I can see Mark Nemeth flipping back out of his chair. I think our thread is about to be sent to the wonderful world of deleted files RW

Remember, we have to hug those we feel are threatening our nation, we wouldn't want anyone to feel unwelcome. How about picking another reference title for the drinkin' partners?

Oh my gosh, call the medics, I'm going into cardiac arrest. Dave K has become PC.

Dave's probably right, but I liked the joke never the less RW!! (I copied it to Word before it gets deleted)

>> A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
> at
>> the airport. It was after
>> midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended
> to
>> catch her in the
>> act. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a
> witness
>> for $100 and the
>> cabby agreed.
>>
>> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
>> bedroom. The husband
>> switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in
>> bed with another man.
>> The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
>>
>> The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I
> lied
>> when I told you I
>> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
> for
>> our new cabin cruiser.
>> He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house
> at
>> the lake. He paid
>> for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
>>
>> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband looked over at the cab
>> driver and said, "What
>> would you do?"
>>
>> The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a
>> cold."

Driving down a back road in Texas, a cowboy comes upon a sign in front
of a restaurant which read:

Happy Hour Special ~ LOBSTER TAIL & BEER

"Lord Almighty", he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

Only in Minnesota


A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients.

The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.

"Bravo ya, Ole."

"And the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this."

"And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!"

"And what did you do, Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."