Sometimes Life Just Sucks!
By Harry David Kowal

Sometimes life just sucks. While often we tend to brings things on ourselves, there are times when no fault of our own something devastating happens and the world as we know it come crumbling down and all we are left with is a big sucking sound as all of our energy, resources, finances, emotions and sanity are being just sucked away from us.

Where to they go? Is there some type of giant vacuum cleaner bag in the sky were the collection of all our states of being are just waiting to be dumped?

I’m not talking about forgetting to pay you auto insurance and one day you get an official letter in the mail saying that your auto tags have been cancelled and you are no longer allowed to drive your car until proof of insurance can be shown. The unwanted travel, money and time to correct this problem does indeed suck but if we would have been careful as to not forgetting to pay our insurance it would not have happened.

No, what I am talking about is like when a close friend or love one dies, or they come to a serious health problem like and injury or illness that leads to disability, such as one losing their eye sight.

In my own case in was not just the depilating pain but the degree of limitation that I now found I had, I no longer could do some of the things I use to, and those I could do, I no longer could do them in the time frame to be productive and find employment.

Often it is not the one, two punch of events that take us out, but rather what seams to be an ever increasing amount of little things that keep pilling up until one day we fine that they cast a shadow on everything and life in general, just sucks.

Let me digress and interject an example. In my own case I had been declared permanently totally disabled since June 9th, 2003. It had taken me years to come to terms with, and in some cases I am still fighting it. About 2 years ago my wife of 33 years at the time, decided she want to live alone and find out who she was. Not being able of afford the rental were we were living after she moved out, I was forced to move into a old mobile home on the outskirts of town. It was indeed the worse year of my life. Later my wife told me it was the best year of her life. We tried getting back together again and after a year I moved in with her. It was a mistake, it was her house, she had made in her home and I was now a guest. At least that is how I felt.

I was making plans of traveling in my 1986 Fleetwood Pace Arrow when she informed me she did not want to get a divorce yet, and she did not want me to file the paperwork which we had completed. We talked about using the time from the trip I was to be gone on, as a time to rethink what we wanted from each other and what we wanted from life.

One of the problems was that with my photography, computer and Amateur Radio, there was just not enough room in her mobile home so I thought if we used my RV as a spare room parked next to her mobile home I could have my hobbies and interests and she would not have the clutter or confusion in her life.

After a few weeks she told me that she still wanted to be alone and that we should go ahead and file for the divorce. I rented a lot just a few doors down from her and set up my RV. I needed time to fix some of the problems I discovered on my Arizona trip and to pay off the credit card that I had to use for gas. I planed on 8-9 mpg but only got around 4, thus the cost was twice as much. My $1,400 adventure became $2,400 and that did not include the brake down in Truth or Consequences, NM or some of the other added expenses I encountered.

As I try to make plans of going south before winter comes, maybe even going to Sedona, AZ a small town I feel in love with while on my trip, I started to realize that in may not happen.

I had a generator that stopped running, my speed odometer cable had broken, the lights on my dashboard would not work without blowing a fuse, the engine ran so rough that even after new spark plugs and wires it still needs work and the awning was almost torn half off by the wind and needed replacement.

I still have a lot more downsizing to do to try and lower even more weight. I had already gotten rid of things I seldom used, didn’t want, or would not help me on my travels. But now I needed to get rid of things I wanted, things that I had worked hard for and would be useful on my travels. I had already lost so much in my life and now I had to give up even more. I had to decide what it was that I really wanted.

I wanted my wife of now 35 years to say we had worked so hard to get this far lets keep working at it and look forward to the good times we are still going to have. But that was not going to happen.

I have three wonderful children in OK, PA, and NJ with a grandchild in OK and two in PA and one more due in August of this year. I had close friends in NJ, LA, and AZ who I wanted to see again after almost 40 years. And a strong desire to see this beautiful country. But, could it happen?

Yesterday I discovered my motorcycle was losing air in the rear tire. It is my main means of transportation. I know that a tune up and timing on the RV could cost upwards of $300-500, the speed odometer cable would be another $100 plus installation and the awning would be about $200 plus installation. Today I got an indication of low DC voltage going to the refrigerator and the radio would malfunction. After I turned off all the light and unplugged anything that was using DC voltage the indicator turned off. But there must be a problem. I am tied into a 30 amp shore line and there should be enough voltage going to the charger to keep the batteries fully charged. Should be, is the key words here.

Well so far I estimate I will need at least $1,000 for repairs and that does not include fixing my generator. But wait what about the gas I had to put on the credit card. I want that bill paid off so that if something happens on the road I have the resources to get it fixed. That leaves me with trying to pay off about $5,000 (including the repairs) before winter, but there is more. To get back to Sedona, AZ I will need about $1,400 cash for gas. So the actually amount I need to go back before winter is around $6,400. And let’s say I stay until October, 3 more months. With a total income of less then $3,500 for 3 month, that has to pay for food, bills, lot rental, etc. it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that it just isn’t going to happen.

So now I have to make plans on staying the winter here in Joplin, MO in a 31’ RV. Last year there were three ice storms. We lost power in two of them and one time it was for almost two weeks. The cold weather causes my pain to increase as well as a greater chance of falling.

So, sometimes life just sucks. What can I do about it? Well, not too much. I am downsizing all that I can, making the repairs as I can afford them and living each day, one day at a time. Next month about $75 my half has to go for the divorcé court fees. I half way think that she is the one that wants it, so why doesn’t she just pay for it. No, I don’t want this marriage that has survived so much to end with bitterness.

So even with all the sucking sounds I hear everyday I keep on hoping that I will find my way. Maybe not in getting everything I want, but to be content with everything I have.

I have a two year old American Orange Tabby named Lugnut, Luggy for short, who has become very close to me. When he is scared because of a noise or a thunderstorm, he will run to my arms and bury his face in my hands. And when I am feeling sad because of the constant sucking sound, he is there for me, licking my hands and rubbing his body next to mine. Last few nights as I am working on the RV I have slept on the couch. I woke up both nights finding him sleeping on my chest. With less then 310 square feet of space we are trying to find are place in the world. Some place were the constant drone of the sucking sound can not be heard above all the sounds that the birds are making with songs, people are making with laughter, and the sounds Luggy and I are making living each day to the fullest in our little 31 ft, part of the world.

Your comments, experiences are welcome.

You say you want comments????? Well, for one, keep your marriage troubles private. Honestly, everyone has problems in life, but complaining on a website about it only makes you seem weak.

When my dad was on his death bed, and I asked how he was feeling, he answered, "Tip top, couldn't be better." I never heard this man complain about anything. And he had what most would consider a hard life. So, that is how I judge men. And you fall very short from his standards.

I also had a friend whose jet fighter crashed into the deck of the aircraft carrier during extreme weather. He was then paralyzed from the chest down. He went on to get his pilot's license back, bought a cessna 210, and had it adjusted to fly with just his arms. He also played tennis and skied. He started a program to give flights to paralyzed kids to let them know that they could do anything they set their minds to.

Go to a children's cancer ward and you will see that you have nothing to complain about.

Suck it up and go on with life.

Thanks for sharing, Not.

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you and that people lack the empathy to just say nothing.

Harry I'm so sorry about your troubles and I'm really sorry that some people have been such jerks. I know sometimes that the only people we have to share our troubles with sometimes is our online friends. I commend you for opening up and sharing.I only wish i had some advice or something to say that would make you feel better but I'm at a lost right now. I will pray for you though.

Now I remember why I like cats more than most people.

Hang in there Harry.

Me too Stan, me too!

Harry I wish that I had some words of wisdom or of comfort but alas I don't. Sometimes chronic pain can make everything seem so much worse and it is easy to become overwhelmed with the problems of day to day.

I'm a great list maker and if I were in your shoes I think I might make two lists, one list that contains problems that you can solve, one at a time, and another list that contains the things that you can't do anything about. My advice would be to burn the impossible list and turn your attention to things that are manageable. Maybe if you could break things down it would help to distract you from the sucking sound! Hang in there Harry; Lugnut needs you. Jen

Holly & Henry, I see that you are relatively new to the SKP forum, so you don't know me at all. I honestly don't know what I would have done without the support, understanding, love and advice that I was offered by so many of the wonderful people who were members of the SKP forum during the two years or more before my husband passed away. They were more than my 'safe spot in a storm', or my 'light in the night', believe me. They were my sounding board, when I couldn't express my fear, frustration and despair to my kids, for fear of upsetting them more than they already were. My friends here were my lifeline to sanity during those long months. Most importantly, they encouraged me to keep going, to be my husband's champion in dealing with the medical professionals, and they reminded me that I can be a gutsy old gal who CAN handle the rough times, and even make them better times. I would often get up in the night when I couldn't sleep for worrying, and re-read the thoughtful and encouraging messages they had left for me. And, why? Because I was sharing my inner-most feelings as I watched my husband go from the active, independent, adventuresome, roughneck cowboy that I'd married 44+ years earlier, to an invalid dependent on oxygen tanks, a power wheel chair, and bottles of medication for his next breath. I owe a lot to my friends who are members of this forum... and I learned a long time ago in life that the best way I can repay a kindness is to pass it on some time later, to someone else. Today, though I may make different choices than Harry-David does, I choose to 'pass it on', and to offer Harry-David encouragement and support rather than criticism.

Harry-David, I can't solve your problems, but I do offer my encouragement that you find a way to move forward with your life, and to follow your dreams, even if it's on a much smaller scale than you'd hoped for. God Bless...

Lee

Holly n Henry

Shame on you. To you this may be just a website but to many on here it's a message board for life long friends who also don't mind helping strangers. Next time you enter a room try to learn a little about who is there.

Harry is not a stranger here and many people keep up with his life.

Your making remarks about someone you don't know. That is not wise.

......getting rid of the wife could be the best thing that ever happened to you!......I know it was for me!....I was unhappy- only I just didn't know it-too busy making money and working.....what I do best!....now that it's been more than 20 years.....I really don't miss her at all. There are too many more women to be with-all sizes and ages and with and without money and all the things another person brings to the table with them-some good and some things make a relationship not worth having.....look around ask God for guidance and it will come.....might not be the answer your looking for but it will happen[ It sure as hell did for me!-surprising enough!-or at least for me it was a surprise!]....start your lists and clear out your head-get down to doing one thing a day and only one till things start to fall together....in your situation you got nothing but time and most people don't have that at all.......geofkaye

quote:

Originally posted by Rae:
I'm sorry things have been so rough for you and that people lack the empathy to just say nothing.

Amen, Rae.

Lee you are so right. Harry-David is a friend here who has shared (as we all have at one time) some of his life's trials and we all try to encourage him and one another. That is what we are all about.

What I find unconscionable is that the newbies who blasted him are among those who have asked for and received much much help with questions they have had. Do they not understand this is a forum not just for technical stuff but for friends as well?

I am glad your paralyzed friend was able to do so much, but someone who is paralyzed may have no pain at all. Pain is a killer. There is a big difference in what one can do if they are paralyzed with no pain and not paralyzed but in chronic severe pain.

Harry-David: I don't know what to say. I feel for you and as others have said. . . you must concentrate on moving forward. I know you are probably doing all you can for the chronic pain, but if you are not, please seek out a pain management clinic that will work with you. Pain is so depressing as you well know and perhaps if you can get a handle on it, you may be able to move ahead. And MOST OF ALL, know that we here CARE about you and Luggy and want to hear from you. We can't do much but give you our care, support, and prayers, but you certainly have them.

We continue to keep you in our prayers.

Dale

Harry David

I am not able to give advice, but I am able to listen. I too have experienced down times and can share with you what worked for me to enable me to cope with two periods of life changing events.

I see by your profile that you have a Ham call. As a newly licensed WA5YOH in the late '60s I met a group on 40m SSB who identified themselves as the "Handicappers Information Net". Their objective were to identify people whose physical condition limited their activities--mostly house or bed-bound. Someone nearby would visit and, if possible, get them interested in becoming an Amateur Radio Operator. If they were interested the work began. Members of the net would provide training to give them the necessary skills to get their licenses and to operate a Ham Station. Next net members installed radios, transmitters, equipment and antennas to get them on the air. Sometimes this required the invention of new devices. I went to work with this group building equipment and antennas--I liked the "top of the tower" job. I received more than I gave.

The most difficult period for me was during the last fifteen years in the life of my Lee, the love and joy of my life whose long term illness had reached the point to where she became house bound then chair and bed bound. I was her full time care giver, cook, housekeeper, grocery shopper, lover and entertainer. The last four years were in hospice (at home) care. She reached the end of her journey last December. Lee and I made this a Journey of Faith by beginning each day with bible reading and prayer. God blessed us and made her passage bearable.

I don't offer this story as advice, just describing two periods of my life and what I did.

I do offer to you and to your buddy Lugnut my very best wishes.

Harry David- I am so deeply sorry for all the pain your experiencing. I'm a little familiar with the chronic pain issues and know that ALONE is such a major drain.

If we were neighbors, we'd be on your doorstep with a pot of soup and a pile of homemade chocolate chip cookies.

You also remind me that when I'm out and about in the day to day affairs of life to treat my fellow humans with kindness as we never know the pain people are packing.

Any chance your kids can help you out? If my dad were still around, I'd jump at the chance to help him move toward my family. (Of course, every family is different though.)

Praying for you,
t