A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

HANDY CONVERSION TABLE
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billi gram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot fur long
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhose
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

A Lady with few skills applied at the toy factory for a job. After much searching the manager finally found a post for her and told her to report to work the next morning for work at 8AM.
At 8:45 the floor manager appeared at the managers door pulling out his hair. "Please you have got to do something about the new hire. The toy line is backed up so bad we are now 3 days behind schedule."
The manager went down and observed the lady. There she sat placing two balls in each piece of fabric and sewing them on to the toy.
Slapping himself in the forehead the manager screamed: " NO...no...no



"I told you to give Elmo two test TICKLES!"

nana25k
Smiling!!!!

Subject: Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times...but this one is real, and it's important...I checked with Snopes.

So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!

I know I have seen this joke before and hope I did not see it on here. Daughter sent it to me this evening.

This is not a laugh, but definitely a Smile, and a tug on your heart.

The video is awesome and it's here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2306376850295808016

Here's more of the story:

Strongest Dad in the World

[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]

I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay
for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in
marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a
wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day.

Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back
mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was
strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged
and unable to control his limbs.

``He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told
him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an
institution.''

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes
followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There's nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a
lot was going on in his brain.

Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by
touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to
communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school
classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want to do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran
more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he
tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore for two weeks.''

That day changed Rick's life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running,
it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving
Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape
that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a
single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few
years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then
they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another
marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following
year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he
was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick
tried.

Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour
Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? ``No way,'' he says.
Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a
cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston
Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best
time'? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world
record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the
Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a
mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries
was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn't been in such great shape,'' one doctor told him, ``you probably would've died 15 years ago.''

So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every > weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants
to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I'd most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the
chair and I push him once.''

That's a beautiful story! Now, for another. What goes around, comes around, right?

Today, our daughter, Nanci, took her two boys to the Illinois State Fair. Unaware that she wasn't at work and on her lunch break, I called to ask a question, and got Rexx (age 11) on the line first. When he passed the phone to his Mom. he told her to be sure to tell Nanna about what Maxx (9) said. Oh, oh.... what'd Maxx come up with now?!!

Well, as they were wandering around the fairgrounds, as families will on fair day, all of a sudden, Nanci grabbed both boys and hollered, "Cow Show! RUN!!" And, she took off sprinting towards the show arena. They settled into the seats she found for them, and tried to ascertain just what was the point of two non-farm boys watching a bunch of cows when there was a perfectly good arcade not far distant. She patiently explained to them that going to the cow 'show' at State Fair with her Dad (their beloved Papa!) was one of her favorite parts of growing up..... they weren't buying. They finally convinced her their time could be better spent.... and they left the arena area. But, as they turned the corner, she saw a dairy cow demo.... and noted that kids were invited to try their hands at milking. She urged the boys to give it a try. Un, hu, no way, not those two! Rexx just gave his Mom a look that said he was sure she'd lost her marbles. Maxx flat-out refused, informing her, "Mommmm, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT COW HAS BEEN, YOU KNOW!" That's our Maxx!!!

We've been laughing all afternoon!

Smile, everyone..... just think: most of us have raised our kids and what our grandkids do and say is just funny, not irritating! Lee

Kids can make life fun with things they say for sure. . .

Pay Me A Compliment



A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect".

You have made me SMILE -blow my nose & wipe my eyes and think of my DAD all at the same time. Thank you

Ok RW, you have started something that has us all smiling. Thank you so much.

I told my 85 year old mom the joke about the ticks and she said "no one would fall for that". I did not remind her about the time I came in from high school and she had the phones covered up with towels. I asked her why and she said the phone company had called and requested she cover up the phones because they were going to "blow the dust out of the lines".

Oh my Gawwwwwd. . . . .

The First Wives Club

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous
artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-karat diamond earrings, a large
diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things"

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."